


it takes a village to raise a child (but i only need you)

by ftmpeter



Series: i never promised you your dream boy [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Pre-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, alternative title: i like projecting onto characters because it's the only coping mechanism i have, this goes all the way up to where tony meets peter in civil war, u can't see me but i'm doing finger guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 16:30:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftmpeter/pseuds/ftmpeter
Summary: "Peter," he whispers, gazing at his reflection. His hair is shorter, curls becoming even more wild. If he pretends hard enough, he can almost convince himself it’s boyish. His voice - feminine, feminine, always too feminine - is barely above a croak. "Peter. My name.. My name is Peter."





	it takes a village to raise a child (but i only need you)

**Author's Note:**

> come one, come all, to my self-indulgent trans!peter fic where we all ignore those scenes in which peter shows his fuckin ripped ass chest
> 
> ok, so, the reception i got on the other work in this series (which you don't have to read, but you can if you wanna) was.. incredible, to say the least. because of that, i was inspired to write something else and actually make it into a series, something i've never done before. this is a prequel, of sorts, of peter realizing, and coming out with, the fact that he's trans.
> 
> just a few notes - i am a trans guy myself. a lot of this is based off of my personal experience, some of it isn't. it doesn't represent everyone's experience as a whole, though. if you notice that a few things seem to be rooted in internalized transphobia/gendered thinking (such as things either being "masculine" or "feminine") that's because it is. as much as we want to, none of us are going to unlearn that that quickly. the journey to figuring out you're trans is a rough one, with a lot of potholes made out of ignorance.
> 
> i also really, really did not feel comfortable giving peter a dead name and misgendering him, but i did. the way i wrote it was the only way i could without feeling all gross. if it's confusing, i apologize. i'm also not that good at pacing things, so please don't kill me.
> 
> other than that, enjoy <3

<strike>Sarah May Parker</strike> grows up in all the wrong ways.

<strike> She</strike> is four foot nine and ten years old the first time <strike> she</strike> can remember feeling.. off. It’s hard to pinpoint what that means, exactly, but the best way <strike> she</strike> can describe it is like someone had put TV static where <strike> her</strike> identity should be. Like someone had filled up <strike> her</strike> shoes with sand, had taken <strike> her</strike> ponytail and _ yanked. _ Everything is too much, and all <strike> she</strike> knows is the tight, tight feeling that shoots through <strike> her</strike> like lightening whenever teachers take roll, or when boys and girls are separated, or when Uncle Ben ruffles <strike> her</strike> hair and calls <strike> her</strike> his little <strike>girl, girl, girl, </strike>_<strike>girl</strike> _-

People look at <strike> her</strike> and call <strike>her</strike> a tomboy. <strike> She</strike> plays with Legos and hangs out with boys - well, one boy, the only one who wants to be <strike> her</strike> friend, Ned - more often than not, getting mud on <strike> her</strike> skirts and underneath <strike> her</strike> fingernails. It confuses <strike> her</strike>, being called that, because it’s not like <strike> she’s</strike> trying to rebel or anything. It’s just what <strike> she</strike> wants to do.

(There is no strange, foreign feeling in <strike> her</strike> chest when people say <strike> she’s</strike> a tomboy. There is no reaction to the implication of being a boy. There isn’t.)

(There is.)

And then, at the age of twelve, <strike> she</strike> learns the word transgender, and everything is flipped upside down.

<strike>Sarah’s</strike> _heard_ the word before, sure, but it was always in passing, never elaborated on or explained. But the internet is wide and <strike>she</strike> begins to read about things <strike>she</strike> never even knew existed. LGBT+ communities, support forums, Tumblr posts and Reddit threads, <strike>she</strike> takes it all in like it’s <strike>her</strike><strike></strike> lifeline.

But the most important thing, the thing that captures <strike> her</strike> attention the most (and what <strike> she</strike> covers up as simple curiosity) is the gender aspect of it all.

_ Transgender - denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex. _

That doesn’t quite make sense to <strike> her</strike>, not at first. It feels familiar, in a way, like a long-lost memory just now resurfacing, but <strike>she</strike> clicks on links anyway, follows them to websites that explain more.

_ Biological sex ≠ gender. _

_ Transgender individuals, to put it simply, do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth, whether it be because they’re actually male, female, or non-binary. _

_ There are a broad range of identities... _

<strike> Sarah</strike><strike></strike> has to stop reading at that because <strike> her</strike> head is spinning so fast <strike> she</strike> thinks <strike> she</strike> might pass out. <strike>She</strike> stares at the screen for so long it begins to blur into one big, indistinct mess, before <strike> she</strike> turns <strike> her</strike> phone off and throws it on the bed with more force than necessary.

(It’s not like <strike> she</strike> learns the word and the clouds part, everything suddenly clicking. <strike> She</strike> doesn’t miraculously understand why <strike> she</strike> wants to throws up when wearing the dresses Aunt May picks out for <strike> her</strike>. <strike> She</strike> doesn’t understand why <strike> she</strike> always recoils when called <strike> Sarah</strike>, or <strike> her</strike>, or <strike> little girl</strike>, and immediately goes to block it out in <strike> her</strike> mind, scratching it out like a wrong answer on <strike> her</strike> homework.

It doesn’t make <strike> her</strike> understand, but it starts something, something big. It’s the first snowflake in an avalanche.)

-

A month later, a month filled with self-hatred and confusion and the nagging feeling that <strike>she’s</strike> broken, the avalanche slams into <strike>her</strike> at a thousand miles per hour.

<strike> Sarah</strike> stares at the bathroom mirror after school for what feels like hours. <strike> She</strike> looks at <strike> her</strike> hair, cut to <strike> her</strike> shoulders, the chubbiness of <strike> her</strike> cheeks, the curve of <strike> her</strike> chest as puberty begins to shape the body <strike> she</strike> never wanted.

_ I’m not a girl. _

_ I’m not a girl. _

The thought should be scary, but all <strike>she</strike> feels is an unsettling calm.

_ I’m.. I’m a boy. I’m a he. I’m a he. _

<strike> Sarah</strike> promptly retches into the toilet.

-

He.

He, he, he, he he he he -

He.

He is a boy.

For fuck’s sake.

-

He gets bitten by a radioactive spider that same year, somehow developing freaky superhuman abilities as a result, and an older guy calls him "young man" while he’s buying a drink. Other than that first part, it was a good field trip.

-

Ben dies, and the world goes off balance.

(He’s never regretted not telling someone something this much before.)

-

He becomes Spider-Man because he can’t let someone out there lose their Uncle Ben. If he couldn’t save him, he can at least save other people.

The fact that everyone will assume he’s cis (a term he has learned with all of his internet researching) underneath the makeshift suit, assume he has facial hair and muscles and maybe even a deep voice, is just an added bonus.

-

They watch Peter Pan in a class they have a substitute for one day. It’s near the end of the eighth grade - high school is coming up alarmingly fast, and most of the teachers don’t have the motivation to try and contain excited children anymore.

Most kids play on their phones, fall asleep, or whisper to each other, but he watches raptly. Something about a kid who never grows up seems more appealing than it should be.

He writes the name Peter in his notebook so much that his pencil breaks.

-

The bathroom mirror has become a focal point in his life as of late.

It’s the middle of summer. Midtown High had accepted him, and he practically bounced off the walls in excitement before he reread it and realized that he would have to go by - by the name. The name written on the envelope. The name on his birth certificate. The name that makes him bleed.

"Peter," he whispers, gazing at his reflection. He’s thirteen now, almost fourteen, and his hair is shorter, curls becoming even more wild. If he pretends hard enough, he can almost convince himself it’s boyish. His voice - feminine, feminine, always too feminine - is barely above a croak. "Peter. My name.. My name is Peter."

"Honey?" Aunt May closes a door from somewhere inside the apartment, and he jumps a foot into the air.

"Coming!" He shouts, cringing at how panicked he sounds. He flushes the toilet in an attempt to make it sound like he’d just finished, and walks out with his head stuck thinking about twenty different things.

Peter.

Peter. Peter. Peter, Peter, Peter.

Peter.

It sounds right.

(He doesn’t hesitate on a middle name - at least not for long. Ben is always going to be apart of him.)

-

Peter sleeps over at Ned’s house a few weeks later. They eat bad junk food and watch Star Wars, and he nearly manages to forget the way his chest screams at him until Ned turns to him with a mouthful of tortilla chips.

"Hey, <strike> Sarah?</strike>"

He freezes. It’s almost comical how he almost immediately becomes aware of the sweat sticking to his neck, the tightness of the shirt he’s wearing. He wants to die.

"Can you pass me the salsa?"

_ I need to tell him. _

_ I have to tell him. _

_ Oh, fuck, I want to tell him. _

"Dude," Ned swallows the rest of the chips. "Salsa?"

"I don’t wanna be called that," he blurts out. "I don’t - I wanna be called Peter. I don’t - I don’t like <strike>Sarah</strike>."

_ I hate it. I hate it and it hurts every time someone uses it, because it’s not me, it’s not me - _

"Oh," Ned says in response. "Okay."

Peter blinks. "Okay?"

He nods. "Okay. Peter, can you pass me the salsa?"

-

Ned asks, later that night, as they get comfortable underneath their pillow fort, what pronouns he wants him to use. Peter almost starts crying on the spot.

-

"I need to tell you something," he tells Aunt May in the beginning of August, right before school is set to start. Despite the crippling, paralyzing fear, Peter needs to have a fresh start at Midtown, needs his name to be recognized officially, and he can only do that with May’s help.

But that doesn’t stop it from being absolutely terrifying.

Aunt May looks up at him from her spot at the dinner table. She was reading the newspaper, but she immediately sets it down when she catches sight of Peter’s facial expression.

"Honey, what’s wrong?" She goes to stand up, but Peter falls into a seat before she can. His hands shake so hard he wouldn’t trust himself to hold anything.

"I - I just need to tell you s-something."

"<strike>Sarah</strike>," Aunt May says, sounding troubled, "you can tell me anything, okay?"

Peter tries to contain his flinch at the mention of the name, but it fails. He swallows, hard enough to be audible.

"I," he starts, scratching at his face. "I’m.. I-I realized something recently."

He tries to force the words to come, to be said, but it stops on the tip of his tongue.

"I-I’m trans," Peter finally chokes out. "T-t-transgender. M-my name is.. my name is Peter."

It’s silent for one heart-stopping moment, in which Peter regrets literally everything he has ever done in his life that led up to this point. Including being born.

"Oh, baby," is the first thing out of Aunt May’s mouth, and before he knows it he’s being pulled up out of his chair and into a bone-crushing hug. It’s a hug that says the three words Peter didn’t even know he was looking for - _ I love you, I love you, I love you. _

"Oh, baby," she says again, leaning back - though not moving her arms - so she can look at him closely. "That’s - that’s okay. I love you, no matter what."

Peter feels tears spring to his eyes. He looks back at this woman, who has lost so much but still manages to love so fiercely, who might not understand but _ knows, _and sends up thanks to whoever decided he could have her as his aunt.

-

It’s not an overnight thing. Even if Peter really, really wants it to be. 

To her credit, May truly, genuinely tries in the following months. She starts to correct herself whenever she says the wrong name or pronouns, but the only drawback of that is she does that a _ lot _ and therefore apologizes a _ lot. _And nothing makes Peter feel more uncomfortable than people apologizing to him.

She tries, though, and that means more to Peter than he can ever even begin to express.

-

Now, at fifteen, Peter is relatively stealth. His name in the school system is Peter - thanks to May scraping together enough money for a name change in the same summer he had come out in, God, he loves her - and he binds with a binder he got for free in a giveaway online. It’s a little tight, but it’s okay. It’s okay. He might still bleed every month, might still dread the cramps and the pain and the tears, but it’s okay. It’s okay because he’s Spider-Man to most of Queens, and Peter Benjamin Parker to everyone else. Everyone besides May and Ned thinks he’s cis, and it’s fine, and he’s fine.

(Flash might call him Penis Parker, but that’s _ fine. _ He doesn’t know. He’s not going to know. He’s never, ever going to know.)

And then Tony fucking Stark is in his living room.

Somehow, he ends up in his bedroom, calling him out for being Spider-Man, not believing any half-assed excuse he comes up with, and honestly, how is this his life?

Peter is - well, Peter wants to hyperventilate. It’s Tony _fucking_ Stark. Iron Man. His literal childhood hero. He thinks he might be hallucinating. Yeah, he’s definitely hallucinating.

The hallucination talks about him coming to Germany, and he knows there’s more to it, but he can’t bring himself to ask. He wants to, wants to be apart of this so _ bad _ but he _ can’t, _ not with, with homework, and -

"Don’t tell Aunt May," he says, scarcely having time to realize that he just fucking webbed Iron Man to his door handle.

He’s going to do this.

Mr. Stark doesn’t have to know he’s trans.

That’s a secret he’s going to keep.


End file.
